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Something that’s been stored in my laptop for months…

No, the blog title couldn’t be a universal truth. If it is, life would have been a lot simpler. If certain affection is gauge by the number of times a person calls you, then girls wouldn’t have to spend time analyzing guys’ actions. They could easily record and track the calls they get from guys and draw the conclusion. The often he calls, the more he likes you. If things were simpler like that, it would be like eating a sumptuous meal, gorging it in without savoring how the ingredients were delectably selected complementing each other. Or could be like riding a rollercoaster without all the twirls and adventure. Would you love that? Shouldn’t we thank God it was the other way around?

We often commit our favorite mistake unconsciously, assuming too much. Things seemed different in our eyes. We add the drama and tend to romanticized everything. We neglect to consider the ‘other important things’ and willfully ignore these. A guy calling you everyday will not equate of him liking you. While we put meaning into every guy’s actions, we should always be on guard. Don’t let yourself be trapped in a pseudo relationship. You’re worth more than that. We are not for passing thru or a diversion nor an object to satiate his needs for emotional contentment. We are God’s precious princesses; let us not forget how God see us.

To share with you, I remember distinctly how my heart was marred few years back (I’m not part of a dgroup yet). I met a ‘Christian’ guy whom I became friends with instantly. We became really close and we’d often go out. I would say outright that his actions didn’t guard my heart. It was misleading. He would often call me and we’re literally burning the lines. I was overwhelmed with the attention I got that I realized I was thinking of him too much. Though we drew lines, I was into him already. I was addressed with endearments. As much as I enjoy the affection, things were becoming a burden for me. I was confused. Are we friends? Dating? Close to boyfriends and girlfriends? I confronted him and asked him about our status. I was more than crushed and hurt when he said I am his baby sister. It was just unexpected. I really thought we share something special. Since then I stopped assuming and became really cautious. I know the blame wasn’t all mine, but what happened scarred my heart. And I thank God because He has been faithful to me and has healed my heart.

Funny thing, I am often asked by a number of people why I don’t have a boyfriend yet (as if being single is a crime). Believe me, when I say often I mean a lot! I’m not sure if they feel sorry for me for lacking the experience or are they trying to rub it on my face that I’m not that super gorgeous that I haven’t had someone yet. I get this weird looks on their faces when I get to answer them truthfully as if I’m an alien. The rare times when I want to laugh but don’t because thinking that I’m weird is enough, I don’t want to be tagged a lunatic. (LOL)

I assure you both my heart and mind is functioning well. I’m like any ordinary girl. I have my fair shares of longing. Longing to be with someone, longing to be loved and cared for, someone who will really risk it all for me, you get the picture. I do feel these things too. The only difference is I know that the Lord has its timing, and mine hasn’t come yet. I am confident that the Lord will make all things beautiful in His time. So why rush? I don’t want to sound pious nor preachy but being in a relationship is just an icing on the cake. But to experience God’s love? Well, that’s the most wonderful thing anyone could ever experience in their lives.

When God says, “Let go.”

Letting go is not easy. It always involves incomparable pain and ache. Hearts are broken and tears are shed. Whether a thing or a person, people still get to experience the horrible pain letting go brings. My tolerance for physical pain is a bit high, beyond the threshold if I may say. I remember when I was persuaded by a friend to get a facial and back then there’s no such as prickless facial. I went through the whole process and didn’t even shed a tear whilst my friend cried her way out of the whole thing. Such is entirely different when dealt with emotional pain. My pain barometer spikes on its peak most of the time. I get hurt easily.

Recently, I heard stories of people who dealt with throbbing heartache. These are all godly people, women of God, all God’s bests. God never fails to amaze me. He doesn’t have a one-size-fits-all rule nor a universal formula for everyone to use and fit in. God works uniquely and differently in each person’s life. Choosing to see this on a positive side, God wants to showcase to everyone how He sees every individual specially and equally. We are loved by God unconditionally. A friend has been praying for this godly guy and God answered her with a, “Wait.” If there’s one answer which tests and cultivates a character, this must be it. The agony in waiting deepens our love relationship with God as we depend on Him and seek His face. She was a bit confident that the Lord will extraordinarily work in their (hers and the guy) lives and allow them to step up their relationship to the next level since the Lord has only been prodding her to wait. To her surprise and disappointment, the Lord let the guy court someone else. She was devastated and heartbroken. To say she was in pain is an understatement. Another girl told me that this guy has been really special in her life. It is probable that she’s praying for him already. Yet God told her to let him go. She obeyed and cut off all communication with the guy. The pain was excruciating. She doesn’t understand but God was clear to her when He said she must let go. And because she loves the Lord more than the guy she did.

Letting go indeed is tormenting. It is difficult and painful and it is particularly painful when we have invested our time, emotions, love and heart for the person or thing. Yes, much more painful than a toothache. The pain and agony is heightened. I went through the same pain too. I have been friends with this guy and I felt secure in our relationship as friends (and may have loved him back then however I try so hard deciding against it and denying it, since he is the exact opposite of a man I’m praying for a husband) when God caused our friendship to be strained. It was most painful and I remember crying for days. I tried so hard to fix what was broken but God hardened his heart. I became bitter and my heart was filled with hatred. It was the prayer and fasting week that God opened my heart. God is a jealous God. He doesn’t want a divided devotion and attention. He wants all my heart. He wants me to be complete in Him first and foremost. Back then, I don’t understand what God is doing in my life and in an almost pleading and begging prayer, asked Him to restore what was broken. I want God to bring back the person in my life. Yes, I prayed that. I thought maybe when he’s back in my life, the pain would stop. But God has different plans. The event led me to draw my heart closer to God. He blessed me with the opportunity (only at His time even) to lead and met the wonderful girls in my life. My eyes were uncovered and I get to meet new people. I focused more on my dgroup and He taught me to love them more.

If what happened didn’t happen, where would I be now? My guess would be head-over-heels in love with someone I shouldn’t love and give my heart to in the first place. I would have taken the course of my life and run it the way which pleases me, hence, leading to self-destruction. I have now fully understood that everything works for good. In every pain, affliction, trial or struggle, there will always be a wonderful purpose why God allowed them to be. And I praise God for everything, for indeed He is worthy of my praise. He sure knows what’s best for me and everyone else. Yes, the whole thing might be painful, but looking at the brighter side, it gives you the opportunity to be more intimate with God, to seek His heart, to draw closer to Him. I particularly love this statement:

“It’s been the storms,
It’s been the days,
When I’ve been worn,
That I have found You Lord,
That I have found You Father,
It’s in the pain,
That I have grown through all the sorrow I have known,
But if that’s what it takes,
For You to lead me this far,
Go ahead and break my heart.” - Kathy Troccoli

A different birthday celebration-retreat.

When I first heard of the dates the retreat was scheduled, I instantly said NO. Reason of which is, I never celebrated my birthday with a large group of people and definitely not in a church activity, much more a 4-day retreat. I was checking my school schedule to which I am silently praying and hoping that God will make a miracle and I’ll get a valid excuse why I wouldn’t be around. But God was persistent. I obeyed and decided to go.

The day I went to Tagaytay along with other late party participants started not so nice. I was late. I was so embarrassed that I stayed silent the whole trip. Funny thing was, someone called one of my co-leader and was asked to buy 2 cakes for two birthday participants. Exactly what I’ve been dreading for. Assuming too much maybe, but I had the strongest hint that one of the cakes may be for me. Being naturally shy (yes, I am), I don’t really want too much attention.

Once we got there, my D12 sister, Grace greeted me and it’s a bit embarrassing. People started greeting me and I felt like melting already. Lunch came and this was the superlative degree of both shame and humiliation (in a good way naman), when my fellow leaders in our table started singing Happy Birthday for me and Lester. Cool thing was, Lester is my sister’s close friend and their friendship was rooted from way back.

The greetings were all overwhelming. There were few sad moments which I will not discuss and elaborate more. I talked to my D12 and poured out my heart on them. My heart was drowning both with joy and loneliness. I dealt this thing to God and He as always is faithful enough and met me on my needs. I made a commitment to God to take Him seriously, to prioritize Him. I begged of Him to take away the ‘thorn in my flesh’ but God knows that this is important for me to be more dependent on Him, to cultivate and nurture my character. And true enough, whatever we are going through, it is for a much higher purpose. Sometimes it’s tempting to turn our backs on God, but whenever we can’t see His hand at work, let’s trust His heart. His heart always wants the best for us.

The retreat over all was SUPERB! No regrets on attending, I never lost anything but gained so much. Everyday is a struggle to stray away from God and embrace the world but we must take heart. I am more than encouraged to run the race and finish the task God has given me. I have met leaders whose lives are a living testimony of God’s greatness, faithfulness, loving kindness and grace. I know I am not worthy of it all, but I thank God who deemed me worthy of so much more, who sees me and values me as special and a child of His own. Whenever I feel bad about something, I make it a point to check my heart with God. It’s refreshing to just tell him everything. Truly, there is no one like my Father and God in Heaven.

And because I know I am loved.

As this day progressed I can’t help but notice a friend changed her status from in a relationship to engaged. It was something I’ve been expecting anytime soon since way back, I know theirs is love in an unadulterated form. Bests and worsts, they remained strong and passionately in love with each other. I was more than excited to congratulate her. I remember accompanying her checking the perfect gift for his guy and we were even joking about the expensive watch she should buy for him to which she said, he must propose first. Love is truly something to be celebrated.

Next month, I will be attending a friend’s wedding. Weddings do excite me. Somehow it gives me the strange emotion of wanting it someday (which honestly, I do). Every wedding I attend to (believe me, there are lots of them) of which I am either a guest or part of the entourage, I get all teary eyed plus the warm and homey feeling which constantly overwhelms me. I have always loved weddings, there’s nothing to hate about it. And I know I’ll have mine in God’s time.

I’m constantly asked about having a boyfriend. In the recent birthday celebration my lola and I have, all my titos and titas are there. Most of them would ask me  when do I plan to have a boyfriend and when will they meet him. My tito even told me that he will cover for the lobsters in my wedding reception. If they would ask me or tease me few years back, I would have sulked and pitied myself. Anyone wants to be with someone right? I, as a human being not devoid of normalcy also wishes for the same thing.

I did not give up on love, I have completely understood that my happiness and my future is God’s number one concern too. I used to get so wrapped up in my lovelife that I have learned my lesson the hard way. I don’t want to elaborate on it but God has been indeed gracious enough. He did not let me have things my way, otherwise I may have ended in a great emotional turmoil. Though I’ve been through such, what I have gone through would be incomparable to what I will be experiencing if I remained stubborn and had things my way. The hurts and pains I went through are but necessary for me to fully understand that being with someone is just an added bonus. To know that I am ultimately and passionately loved by God is just enough to bring me back to my senses. Don’t get me wrong, there are longings and desires, but I thank God for being more than enough. For the nights I wish someone would be with me to do things as grocery, shopping, watching movie, dining out etc. I am but surprised with the little things which God has orchestrated and blessed me with. So I say with the complete trust and confidence I have in God, that whether in singleness or marriage HE is more than enough for me.

Others May, YOU (I) Cannot by G.D. Watson

If God has called you to be truly like Jesus in all your spirit, He will draw you into a life of crucifixion and humility. He will put you on such demands of obedience that you will not be allowed to follow other Christians. In many ways, He seems to let other good people do things which He will not let you do.

Others who seem to be very religious and useful may push themselves, pull wires, and scheme to carry out their plans, but you cannot. If you attempt it, you will meet with such failure and rebuke from the Lord as to make you sorely penitent.

Others can brag about themselves, their work, their successes, their writings, but the Holy Spirit will not allow you to do any such thing. If you begin to do so, He will lead you into some deep mortification that will make you despise yourself and all your good works.

Others will be allowed to succeed in making great sums of money, or having a legacy left to them, or in having luxuries, but God may supply you only on a day-to-day basis, because He wants you to have something far better than gold, a helpless dependence on Him and His unseen treasury.

The Lord may let others be honored and put forward while keeping you hidden in obscurity because He wants to produce some choice, fragrant fruit for His coming glory, which can only be produced in the shade.

God may let others be great, but keep You small. He will let others do a work for Him and get the credit, but He will make you work and toil without knowing how much you are doing. Then, to make your work still more precious, He will let others get the credit for the work which you have done; this to teach you the message of the Cross, humility, and something of the value of being cloaked with His nature. The Holy Spirit will put a strict watch on you, and with a jealous love rebuke you for careless words and feelings, or for wasting your time which other Christians never seem distressed over.

So make up your mind that God is an infinite Sovereign and has a right to do as He pleases with His own, and that He may not explain to you a thousand things which may puzzle your reason in His dealings with you. God will take you at your word; if you absolutely sell yourself to be His slave, He will wrap you up in a jealous love and let other people say and do many things that you cannot. Settle it forever; you are to deal directly with the Holy Spirit, He is to have the privilege of tying your tongue or chaining your hand or closing your eyes in ways which others are not dealt with. However, know this great secret of the Kingdom: When you are so completely possessed with the Living God that you are, in your secret heart, pleased and delighted over this peculiar, personal, private, jealous guardianship and management of the Holy Spirit over your life, you will have found the vestibule of heaven, the high calling of God.

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